Many parents complain that their toddler doesn’t listen. Well, first off toddlers are beginning to assert for themselves which is a good thing developmentally. But they may not always have a complete understanding of situations around them, including risk assessment or social etiquette. Besides, the toddler’s brain is still developing impulse control, which makes it really hard for them to wait for things or resist temptation.
Does that mean we resort to traditional disciplinarian methods of parenting and use scare tactics, yelling and punishments to make the toddler listen? No!
Scaring or punishing a child to discipline is not going to teach the child about why his/her actions are wrong or what the consequences are.
Related reading: What is Gentle parenting?
I found the book, How to talk so little kids will listen instrumental in creating a calmer transition to the twos and threes. This book gives insight into the toddler’s mindset and how parents can effectively communicate with their toddlers and help them follow along.
Here are 10 phrases I use regularly that work like magic in situations when my toddler doesn’t listen.
PHRASES TO USE WHEN YOUR TODDLER DOESN’T LISTEN
- We are going to leave in 15 minutes. Instead of we have to leave now. Hurry up!
Prepare your child for what is coming next. Most times knowing about the next plan in the day, helps the child wrap up whatever it is they are doing. It gives the child a timeframe to work with. No one likes to be interrupted when they are immersed in deep focussed work. The same goes for your toddler. He may be busy playing in deep focus. Giving him a heads up prepares him to finish up his game. This way you avoid tantrums at the last minute.
The same phrase works when we are about to get into unfamiliar social settings. For example; “We are going to meet my cousin from the US. He does…(give more information)” This way when the new person enters or introduces himself the child already has some information and doesn’t panic and go into stranger anxiety mode. A simple heads up works in most situations.
2. Do you want to leave now or 15 minutes later?
When a heads-up doesn’t work. Offer a choice.
Do you want to leave now or 15 minutes later. Do you want to join the party or do you want some time outside before you join in? Do you want red pants or the brown one?
Offering a choice allows the child to be in control of the situation. And once again the child is more receptive to participate along once he feels ready to take on the next task. Make sure to keep the options limited between two, so that its easier for the child to make up his mind.
3. I see you are finding it difficult to open the lid, do you need help?
If we jump in and help without asking, the toddler will resist and a tantrum ensues. A toddler needs his independence so giving up on something he is trying out has to be his own decision. By simply asking if he needs help, you are allowing the toddler to take charge of the situation and decide for himself if he does, in fact, need help.
4. Can you use your words, please? Instead of stop whining
This simple question encourages the toddler to express. Remember to use a very calm tone as you request the child to use his words, you don’t want to come off asking this question in a stern tone. The parent’s tone of voice is key to holding communications in the right manner.
5. Let’s use gentle hands with the baby. Instead of saying, “Stop doing this” ” Stop grabbing the baby”
When around a baby for example and you want your child to be careful, you can ask him to use gentle touches. Show how a gentle touch looks like.
If the rough play goes on after repeated reminders it is best to move the child away to another play station.
6. I am not okay with you getting wet in the rain, because I am afraid you will fall sick. Instead of, stop, don’t walk in the rain.
When you are not comfortable with what your toddler is doing, be it getting wet in the rain, or some sort of risky play use this phrase it works like magic.
The moment I tell my son about my feelings/concerns and why I don’t want him to play a certain way, he is more understanding.
I will say, I am not okay with you running on the side of the road, I am afraid you will hurt yourself or
I am not okay with you getting wet in the rain, because I am afraid you will fall sick.
7. Let us add this to our wish list
Every parent has faced the tantrum in a store. When the child wants something and wants it right now.
We can’t always give in and buy what they want.
There are two ways I tackle this situation. One is by saying the phrase Let us add this to our wishlist. Then I pull out a piece of paper and write it down. I discuss with our son about why we aren’t going to buy now, but I would be happy to include it on the running wishlist. We have designated times of the year we buy toys, like birthdays and festivals. I pull out the list then and we go through the list together. Sometimes he is no longer interested in some of the toys on the list, at other times I give him a choice to buy 1-2 from his list.
This way he learns to wait in order to buy something and he gets to reconsider a decision. Is it something I really want? You will be surprised how many times it’s the child who will say to you, no, I don’t want that toy anymore.
At other times, I simply, get down to his level and explain to him why we cannot buy that certain toy and how I wish could buy him many many toys, but we can’t, we need to use what we have. You may feel that a little child will not agree to reason, but once you start to hold a mature conversation with them, they are very understanding.
8. It is okay to be sad/cry
Sometimes when faced with big emotions instead of saying “stop crying/ you are a big girl/boy now” accept the emotion for them. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to cry.
Acknowledging the feelings helps the child calm down, understand the emotions he is feeling and make it okay for them to be able to express to you. We want our children to know that it is important to express all feelings, good and bad. That expressing emotion is a healthy exercise.
9. I am going to wait for you to calm down
When no amount of talking and calming down help, it is best to take a step back and allow the child a moment to calm down and self reflect.
You can stay close and say I am going to wait for you to calm down. This phrase works so well for us, both of us end up in a hug moments later and move on to resolving the problem at hand. Sometimes all your child needs is a little space and time to do the self-work.
10. Let us start over- 1, 2, 3…
Some situations demand a do-over. There can be days when everything is just going wrong and you are facing tantrum after tantrum. You may resort to yelling and screaming. But you can change the situation.
Get down to the child’s level, acknowledge that the day has been rough for both of you, that you don’t want it to continue this way. And then hold hands, take a deep breath count to three and start over.
Remember, there will be times when nothing will work. Your toddler understands that he has expressed his emotions in an unpalatable way. He may not know how to change the situation and go back to calm. But he needs the reassurance that things are still okay, between the two of you.
Here it is important for you as a parent to say, I Love You. It helps the child feel reassured that your love for them is not dependent on his actions.
Yes, certain actions are unacceptable, but that does not mean you stop loving them.
It is quite possible that the child feels his actions may cause you to stop loving him. And we need him to understand that a parent’s love is unconditional. That you are his safe place to vent and be. That you will guide him and help him through challenging situations.
It can get very difficult as parents to remain calm when we are in the midst of a tantrum but remember you are helping your child learn how to channel his emotions. I feel handling tantrums is one of the most challenging tasks parents have to deal with and at the same time the crux of how the relationship will turn out in the future.
That is why I give a lot of importance to helping with emotions because somewhere hidden behind those emotions lie, my sons, true thoughts and feelings about me and our relationship.
Each challenging moment is a moment for us to practice how to trust each other, and how to get creative at solving the problem. They are learning moments and help our relationship grow stronger.
Do you face any of the challenging situations I mentioned here with your toddler? How do you manage the situation?
I hope this post inspires you to try a more creative approach to handle toddler tantrums.